Life...

Life has been... well, interesting lately

When I last posted on this blog I was so happy - I was in love and felt loved and cared for in return - I was losing weight and with good motive too, I was going to meet someone really special and wanted to look my best for him. I had a friend whom I could tell anything, and everything to, and I was certain he felt the same way... not only from the things he said to me, but from the things he said to others.

Then he dropped his bombshell.

How did he expect me to react, knowing (as he did, as he had aknowleged) that I was in love with him and that I couldn't wait to spend time with him in his home town, meeting his friends and family, spending time just getting to know the little things about him that our intense correspondence and phone conversations couldn't convey. How could he not see that suddenly and casually announcing he was in love with someone else would shatter me and the fact that the person in question was not only 16 years younger than me, but knew how I felt about him and was aware of our plans together in September, only made me feel more betrayed and helpless and rejected...?

How could he not understand my confusion and hurt? How did he manage to twist my emails full of insecure 'begging for reassurance' that I mattered as a friend if no longer as a lover, into 'attacks', as I hear he has accused me of making. How could he reject my friendship after I had shown again and again that I was loyal to him, and cared about him as a friend more than any potential we had as lovers or partners?

Why, when I thought we were going to be the 'precious friends' we had talked about, did he suddenly turn on me? Since his new 'love' was staying with him at the time and he implied that she wasn't happy with me, I had to assume that he turned on me and made rambling accusations that did not reflect me or my behaviour in any way, on account of her insisting he have nothing to do with me. I was more shattered at that point than at any other... I almost cancelled my trip to the US because I couldn't picture myself having to meet someone I had loved so much for so long who had turned on me so viciously and without explaination.

I made a throwaway comment to the effect that I tried to be friends but his new 'girlfriend' had demanded we have nothing to do with one another - I tried to clothe it in cute, fairytail teminology so that I could let my friends (who both cared about me and were concerned about how things were going in this area of my life) would know that we weren't on good terms but that it wasn't my choice. He saw what I said and was ruthless in his reaction. I can't tell you how much I have cried over the last few weeks on account of my own error in making that comment. I have never hurt at anyone elses hands as much as I hurt on account of my own stupid comment which seemed harmless enough at the time, but which apparently was unforgivable. I will have to live with the knowlege that I have had a hand in destroying something that was so precious to me just a short time ago.

I don't know what else I could have done to show him that I honestly wanted his friendship. We turned to one another in difficult times, and he fell in love with me before I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I finally let myself feel something I have resisted for years, and it was wonderful for a while. Now I don't know if I ever can feel that good again... it is too hard to let yourself be that vulnerable to the actions of another person. I want to fall in love again so much, but I am afraid of the hurt and bewilderment (which I don't deal with very well) happening to me again.

How does one just 'decide' that you can't be with the person you profess to 'love and adore'? How does one just switch to someone else and expect the other to be happy for them without hurt or pain or suffering? How could I have reacted differently? I tried so hard to show him that I wanted to be friends. Now I don't know if I can even meet him. I have to if I am to keep doing other things I love doing, and if I am to spend time with friends I love and who's friendship means the world to me... but it means being in contact with someone I have told my deepest desires and most closely held secrets to, and who now prefers to be in the arms of someone who betrayed my friendship and trust. Someone who is young enough to be my daughter (if I was a 16 year old slut of course... but none-the-less, it hurts to know I am considered too old for him...).

In the last few months I have put on weight, not caring what I look like with or without my clothes on... I have lost part of my desire to travel half way around the world, though I am still longing to meet other friends who have been amazing and strong and loyal and caring and understanding and I wouldn't miss the opportunity to hug them for all the world!! In the past few months I have cried more nights than I have not... and I have found my bed more empty than ever... I have slept alone for 7 years now, but for several months there was the promise of someone snuggling up to me and telling me that he adored me... I had hope that I wouldn't have to be alone for the rest of my life... but it turns out that I was mistaken.

It has been really hard not to give in to depression during all of this. I have written other blogs in my MySpace profile... and I have written a million emails to friends and talked about my feelings with my friends, family and even myownself (you get a good hearing that way!).

So how do I feel about this man? I honestly don't know. We are trying to be friends becuase not being friends is just not an option with the committments we've made to the 'project we started' and the friends we share in common, but he is shallow, cold and apparently doesn't want to know where we went wrong... so I still feel rejected and completely uncared about. I am trying for the sake of the group we started - his vision and my encouragement & passion for his idea which got it off the ground. It has taken on a life of it's own - but I treasure the memory of our conversation in which he mentioned this idea. I treasure the moment he asked me to join him as a part of the dream - I was literally his first recruit. I treasure the friends I have made in the group since it started to blossom and take on a life of it's own.

Sometimes I think I might still be in love with him a little... I don't know if that's habit or residual feelings... sometimes I think I love him as a friend, but I do love most folk I know to some degree so that's hardly amazing or incredible to realise. I can't really tell until he starts being open and honest with me, and for that to happen he will have to be honest with himself and I don't know if he's capable of that. I only know that I have lost something that was incredibly precious to me and that I will miss it for a long time to come. The tears still pop up when I least expect them. The feelings are less overwhelming, but they are there and at moments I am vulnerable to them...

I know he will never read this blog. But if he did I guess I would want him to know that I do still care for the friend who used to tell me everything - and I mean everything! I do still care for the vulnerable man who could tell me things that most men wouldn't. I do still care for the sensual side of him in a way... but less than I did. I guess I would give him another opportunity to show me I mattered to him - but I would be far more cautious and it would take something extordinary for me to trust that he cared for me at all... as a friend or anything...

If I could go back would I? I honestly don't know. I was happier knowing his love and feeling my own for him for those few months than I have been in over 10 years. It was a cruel and hard blow to lose that love, but it was more cruel to lose his friendship and trust. If I could do one thing differently I wouldn't have posted that comment that I thought was so inocuous at the time, but which was written from the deep sense of hurt and betrayal I had experienced.

If I could have 'a miracle' I would have him feel what I felt when I wrote to him throughout those confusing and devastating days and weeks after he 'replaced me' with someone who was still in college.

I am turning 40 in just two weeks - I was really looking forward to this, but now I am feeling like my final opportunity for love has passed me by. What is the point of looking forward to the best years of your life when you don't have anyone to share it with... I mean I am looking forward to many, many things... but I would have loved to have a soulmate to talk things over with, and share my thoughts and feelings with, and know he was there to return to at the end of the day... Right now, I don't feel like I will ever be able to try to trust someone with my heart again - but I hope that will change in time. For now I just have to keep hoping this wonderful man I was once in love with will grow to understand how wrong he was about me and learn to accept people in his life with love and trust rather than with resentment and defensiveness.

Damn - now I have to clean my glasses again - these stupid tears have salt in them!