Life...

Life has been... well, interesting lately

When I last posted on this blog I was so happy - I was in love and felt loved and cared for in return - I was losing weight and with good motive too, I was going to meet someone really special and wanted to look my best for him. I had a friend whom I could tell anything, and everything to, and I was certain he felt the same way... not only from the things he said to me, but from the things he said to others.

Then he dropped his bombshell.

How did he expect me to react, knowing (as he did, as he had aknowleged) that I was in love with him and that I couldn't wait to spend time with him in his home town, meeting his friends and family, spending time just getting to know the little things about him that our intense correspondence and phone conversations couldn't convey. How could he not see that suddenly and casually announcing he was in love with someone else would shatter me and the fact that the person in question was not only 16 years younger than me, but knew how I felt about him and was aware of our plans together in September, only made me feel more betrayed and helpless and rejected...?

How could he not understand my confusion and hurt? How did he manage to twist my emails full of insecure 'begging for reassurance' that I mattered as a friend if no longer as a lover, into 'attacks', as I hear he has accused me of making. How could he reject my friendship after I had shown again and again that I was loyal to him, and cared about him as a friend more than any potential we had as lovers or partners?

Why, when I thought we were going to be the 'precious friends' we had talked about, did he suddenly turn on me? Since his new 'love' was staying with him at the time and he implied that she wasn't happy with me, I had to assume that he turned on me and made rambling accusations that did not reflect me or my behaviour in any way, on account of her insisting he have nothing to do with me. I was more shattered at that point than at any other... I almost cancelled my trip to the US because I couldn't picture myself having to meet someone I had loved so much for so long who had turned on me so viciously and without explaination.

I made a throwaway comment to the effect that I tried to be friends but his new 'girlfriend' had demanded we have nothing to do with one another - I tried to clothe it in cute, fairytail teminology so that I could let my friends (who both cared about me and were concerned about how things were going in this area of my life) would know that we weren't on good terms but that it wasn't my choice. He saw what I said and was ruthless in his reaction. I can't tell you how much I have cried over the last few weeks on account of my own error in making that comment. I have never hurt at anyone elses hands as much as I hurt on account of my own stupid comment which seemed harmless enough at the time, but which apparently was unforgivable. I will have to live with the knowlege that I have had a hand in destroying something that was so precious to me just a short time ago.

I don't know what else I could have done to show him that I honestly wanted his friendship. We turned to one another in difficult times, and he fell in love with me before I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I finally let myself feel something I have resisted for years, and it was wonderful for a while. Now I don't know if I ever can feel that good again... it is too hard to let yourself be that vulnerable to the actions of another person. I want to fall in love again so much, but I am afraid of the hurt and bewilderment (which I don't deal with very well) happening to me again.

How does one just 'decide' that you can't be with the person you profess to 'love and adore'? How does one just switch to someone else and expect the other to be happy for them without hurt or pain or suffering? How could I have reacted differently? I tried so hard to show him that I wanted to be friends. Now I don't know if I can even meet him. I have to if I am to keep doing other things I love doing, and if I am to spend time with friends I love and who's friendship means the world to me... but it means being in contact with someone I have told my deepest desires and most closely held secrets to, and who now prefers to be in the arms of someone who betrayed my friendship and trust. Someone who is young enough to be my daughter (if I was a 16 year old slut of course... but none-the-less, it hurts to know I am considered too old for him...).

In the last few months I have put on weight, not caring what I look like with or without my clothes on... I have lost part of my desire to travel half way around the world, though I am still longing to meet other friends who have been amazing and strong and loyal and caring and understanding and I wouldn't miss the opportunity to hug them for all the world!! In the past few months I have cried more nights than I have not... and I have found my bed more empty than ever... I have slept alone for 7 years now, but for several months there was the promise of someone snuggling up to me and telling me that he adored me... I had hope that I wouldn't have to be alone for the rest of my life... but it turns out that I was mistaken.

It has been really hard not to give in to depression during all of this. I have written other blogs in my MySpace profile... and I have written a million emails to friends and talked about my feelings with my friends, family and even myownself (you get a good hearing that way!).

So how do I feel about this man? I honestly don't know. We are trying to be friends becuase not being friends is just not an option with the committments we've made to the 'project we started' and the friends we share in common, but he is shallow, cold and apparently doesn't want to know where we went wrong... so I still feel rejected and completely uncared about. I am trying for the sake of the group we started - his vision and my encouragement & passion for his idea which got it off the ground. It has taken on a life of it's own - but I treasure the memory of our conversation in which he mentioned this idea. I treasure the moment he asked me to join him as a part of the dream - I was literally his first recruit. I treasure the friends I have made in the group since it started to blossom and take on a life of it's own.

Sometimes I think I might still be in love with him a little... I don't know if that's habit or residual feelings... sometimes I think I love him as a friend, but I do love most folk I know to some degree so that's hardly amazing or incredible to realise. I can't really tell until he starts being open and honest with me, and for that to happen he will have to be honest with himself and I don't know if he's capable of that. I only know that I have lost something that was incredibly precious to me and that I will miss it for a long time to come. The tears still pop up when I least expect them. The feelings are less overwhelming, but they are there and at moments I am vulnerable to them...

I know he will never read this blog. But if he did I guess I would want him to know that I do still care for the friend who used to tell me everything - and I mean everything! I do still care for the vulnerable man who could tell me things that most men wouldn't. I do still care for the sensual side of him in a way... but less than I did. I guess I would give him another opportunity to show me I mattered to him - but I would be far more cautious and it would take something extordinary for me to trust that he cared for me at all... as a friend or anything...

If I could go back would I? I honestly don't know. I was happier knowing his love and feeling my own for him for those few months than I have been in over 10 years. It was a cruel and hard blow to lose that love, but it was more cruel to lose his friendship and trust. If I could do one thing differently I wouldn't have posted that comment that I thought was so inocuous at the time, but which was written from the deep sense of hurt and betrayal I had experienced.

If I could have 'a miracle' I would have him feel what I felt when I wrote to him throughout those confusing and devastating days and weeks after he 'replaced me' with someone who was still in college.

I am turning 40 in just two weeks - I was really looking forward to this, but now I am feeling like my final opportunity for love has passed me by. What is the point of looking forward to the best years of your life when you don't have anyone to share it with... I mean I am looking forward to many, many things... but I would have loved to have a soulmate to talk things over with, and share my thoughts and feelings with, and know he was there to return to at the end of the day... Right now, I don't feel like I will ever be able to try to trust someone with my heart again - but I hope that will change in time. For now I just have to keep hoping this wonderful man I was once in love with will grow to understand how wrong he was about me and learn to accept people in his life with love and trust rather than with resentment and defensiveness.

Damn - now I have to clean my glasses again - these stupid tears have salt in them!

On line relationships...

Until a few months ago I would have just about sneered at the thought of an online relationship being sincere or realistic in this day and age... but several people have changed my mind about that and I think I should try to work out why...

I know some of you are thinking "Oh she's talking about on line romance!", well ...yes, and ...no.

Yes - there is a special someone with whom I communicate on line every day (it is seriously unusual for us not to exchange at least one email or PM) and, yes - I would describe him as being more than 'just a friend' (if you can ever describe a friend as 'just' that), but I am also realising that there is a lot of legitimate relationship building done through the Internet in terms of friendships and mentoring and just plain old fun with folk of a similar mind set...

I find my time on line with my friends is really precious to me, and I also find that my friends (for some odd reason) feel the same way about me too... I have 'adopted' several sisters whom I feel a special connection to - Colorado, New York, Utah, North Carolina and Alabama to name a few... and these wonderful women share so freely of themselves - their lives, loves, concerns, sorrows, family moments, fears, embarrassments hopes! Not only that - but they understand and 'embrace' me when I share the things in my heart and in my life!

There are male friends too whom I have come to treasure and respect and to feel a kinship to - in Scotland, England, the US and Canada... they flirt and chat, share their stories and their problems - sometimes just looking for a female perspective, sometimes just seeking information on the Australia way of life, but always making me smile and feel appreciated!

There are friends with whom I have connected over shared experiences like depression, serious illness, migraines, family relationships and heartbreak... there are friends who leave me in awe of their talents at photo-manipulating, computer skills, imagination and storytelling, insight and vision and their own individual ways of expressing all of these things...

There are friends with whom I feel a kindred spirit, those who let me be there for them when they need picking up or a fresh perspective on something - and those who understand my passions coming to the fore, my frustrations and my ignorance about certain topics, my errors and my compassion...

Don't get me wrong - I have many wonderful friends here in my 'physical life' (for want of a better description) - those who have literally held me while I cried over betrayal or heart ache or a sense of insignificance... those who have given me the privilege of being there when they cry or rage or just vent about the things that are worrying or frustrating them! There are friends with whom I have laughed cried and cringed at the movies and danced and sang at concerts and conventions, whose with whom I have travelled, shared a bed, shared a floor space or shared a sofa! Those with whom I have driven all over the state for a weekend of catching up with folk, those who's marriages and family celebrations I have attended, and those who know me and understand me the best... these are the friends that I cherish and adore and they know this (I hope) and will always know how much they mean to me and the place they have in my life!

What I am trying to say is that what I have discovered in the last 6 months or so is that I can have genuine connections and relationships with people whom I have never physically met... people who share so many of their thoughts and feelings in the written word - who's jokes and teasing pick me up, and who's shared difficulties make me feel needed and wanted - and it is a precious and different kind of friendship/relationship - but none the less a very real and legitimate one.

When a generation of men went to war in both the 1910s and 1930s they wrote letters to their girls and friends and family back at home. The written word is very powerful and can convey a lot about a person - so it is no less important to find that in today's fast paced world there are people who still take the time to communicate and share of themselves freely and perhaps even more so for there being half a planet between them... I enjoy, and have a much greater understanding of, who I am because of the way I share myself with these friends and I feel richly blessed to have these friends share freely of their time and themselves with me!

Oh and that 'special someone'... yeah - he is a bright light in my day, and I want to thank him for that too!

I have long since intended to write this blog...

I have long since intended to write this blog – but it has been difficult to work out what I wanted to say. The other day, however, my friends and I were posting messages about medication and mental health issues at a wonderful forum I joined at firfelyfans.net and this is, in part, what I described the use of medication to treat my depression: I suffer from depression, which started after a serious illness at the age of 29, and in retrospect I had signs that I was vulnerable to this disease prior to that. I am creative and when I finally had a minor break down, after a year of poor health and ever increasing depression, I welcomed the opportunity to try medication - I have never looked back. As my friend ‘Sir Francis’ said so eloquently “I have not lost any creativity. I still write, design theatre sets, and act. And my personality is more truly my own. When I was untreated for the …(disorder), there were times when I was a spectator in my own head. Not in control of what I was saying or doing. With the medications, I am more truly myself. So if that is a change in personality, I welcome it.”

I am lucky, myself, in that I had few, or no, side effects when I was first on the meds I was put on, and lucky too that the first medication I tried seems to be the one that works well for me - I know people with various forms of depression/anxiety disorders who have tried numerous and multiple drugs before finding one/a combination that works for them. I had a few minor side-effects at first... funnily enough loss of libido was initially one, but that diminished over time and wasn't an issue since I was too ill and 'disconnected' to think about being in a relationship at that time... I have described the worst period of depression as if I was working hard to do a ‘passable impersonation of myself’... trying so hard to look for my ‘cues’, react as I felt was expected of me, and laugh as if I actually enjoyed things! During the weeks of initial recovery I was surprised to reconnect with aspects of my personality that I had forgotten existed prior to my initial illness and subsequent spiral into depression. I still think I look 'blank' in photos of me during this period - whether I was 'smiling' or not... I am still creative, more clear headed, have a better memory (yes, depression affects your memory a lot!) and also, in case you were wondering, I have regained a healthy libido! (though I choose to be celibate at present) I would not return to the bad old days for anything. I recently mentioned to a friend that it was a little like having asthma - if you are asthmatic you monitor your condition, take preventative medication and look after yourself accordingly. With depression it is a lot like that - I exercise my mind to be positive in relation to myself and talk things over when I feel 'stuck' or 'trapped' in a situation... I have lots of good friends in real life as well as on the internet, and I adjust my medication, with doctors knowledge, if/when it becomes necessary. Just as if you had a chronic lung condition you have to be prepared for the 'not-so-well-times' as well as the good ones!

In response to some of my friends who wondered if I had tried alternative therapies to the medical one which worked so well for me, I did gain some relief from St. John's Wort, as is a friend of mine at present, but ultimately it was not enough... also I did, and still do, seek counselling when I need to in addition to having close friends to talk with... I did not take the medication alone - I was thoroughly diagnosed by my wonderful doctor who continues to support me and give me sound advice - both emotional and medical at times, as well as valuable counselling when I really need it. I also have a friend who has been taking St John's Wort and is finding it is not as effective as it previously was, and, despite also having regular counselling she's nearing a stage where she is considering medication. My advice to her is to listen to her doctors' advice, ask lots of questions, raise her concerns and if she feels she is not being taken seriously then find another doctor - I have an awesome one and I am very grateful for that! It sometimes folk that I do suffer from depression, because I hide it really well and generally have a very positive attitude to life... but this is not about attitude alone and that is important to understand. It is sometimes scary opening my mouth and telling people that I suffer from this illness, and the responses are varied, but rarely the judgemental ones I fear! Mostly it's almost relief that they can speak openly themselves about their own/sisters’/husbands’/sons’/daughters’/parents’/friends’…etc. struggles with depression with someone who is open and understanding of the situation... that is when I realise there is a very positive aspect to being able to draw on my own experiences - even though I would not wish them on my worst enemy

I have meant to do this for a long time and this has been a really good opportunity to talk about something that is dear to my heart as I feel 'demystifying' mental illness of any sort is really important in our society!

Also I must say that I have been richly blessed as a result of having had depression. I have made deep connections with others suffering with similar illnesses... and have been privileged to be there for those coming to terms with it too... I couldn’t be there for others with the same degree of understanding if I hadn’t ‘been there’ myself.

Finally I have to say a huge thank you to all those friends with whom I have discussed depression whether in person or on line… I have found some of my most treasured and profound relationships have been those where the honesty and sharing of this sort of information has been taken so well. You are all so dear to me and will always be. I love to be there for my friends – it is one of the greatest privileges in my life, and one of the ways in which I feel most fulfilled… as I often say to those close to me – “sometimes I really need to be needed”.

Thank you Whimsy, Taliena, LittleAlbatross29, Sir Francis, Tristan, Rhax, Kimando and Phoenix Rose for giving me a push in the right direction... and to all my friends for your awesome support! - I love you guys!! x x x x x x x