twists & turns...

Let's face it, 2010 was a really tough year for me, & I was looking forward to 2011 as a way of putting some of the hardest experiences of my life behind me. Of course the sense of loss, after my beautiful mother passed away last September, will possibly never be 'behind me' and with each new anniversary or moment which reminds me of some aspect of her personality, I feel the grief again, but I am in a place now where I am so grateful for the 43 years of my life which I got to share with her, & for the opportunity to say goodbye, which so many people never get.


I am also finding that, while I value myself as an individual who doesn't need a man in my life, I am looking forward again & hope to find someone special to spend time with... To this end I have done something I never really thought I ever would, & I have joined a 'online dating service'. eHarmony actually call themselves a 'relationship' site rather than a 'dating' site, which is supposed to help attract people of both sexes who are looking for a meaningful relationship rather than just hooking up with people of the opposite sex for more casual interaction. So far I have seen some very nice & very interesting men pop up on there, but I am taking things slowly, making minimal contact with just a few of them. We'll see what happens...

I am also on the hunt for a new family to live & work with... My beautiful Zach, & his lovely parents are anticipating the arrival of new baby in May, & Ali has decided to extend her maternity leave & enjoy being a full-time Mummy for a while. While I am very sad to be leaving such a caring, wonderful family & a home & job I love, I am also thrilled for them that they are on the brink of welcoming a new baby into their family, & I know I will keep in close contact with them in the coming weeks & months... with this in mind I have been focusing my job-hunting efforts on the local area, & have had a very promising interview with an Australian family who live about 15-20 mins walk from my current home. I have my fingers crossed!

One of the most positive things I have done this year is seek couselling, something I would recommend for anyone going through grief, loss, hurt or confusion which they are stuggling with. In my case it was a really a combination of so many very difficult events of the past 12-18 months, topped off with the fact that while I have some wonderful friends here in London, I do not have my very closest friends who know me inside out & whom I feel completely free to pour my heart out to... Naomi is an amazing cousellor & I see her once a week, on a Friday evening, & she has asked me questions I've never asked myself! It's an amazing journey exploring my personality & finding out how strong I really am!

I am also feeling very blessed by the friends I do have, and am making more time to spend with them! In the last couple of weeks I have seen "The Compete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)" with my gorgeous 2nd cousin (& adopted little sister) Siobhan, and last weekend went with my friend Bridie to see "Hairspray" starring Michael Ball, Marty Dolenz & the amazing Laurie Scarth as Tracy Turnblatt! I love every moment I get to spend with these beautiful friends & family! I treasure them more than I ever did!


I am not so good at phoning or skyping or even writing emails home, but I do try to write on facebook every day & upload photos I am constantly taking of my life from my own, unique pespective... I even have a themed collection of photos titled, "Lost" which show various items I see every day, on the footpath, sitting incongruously on fences & even lying in the gutter...


I am really enjoying reading more books & watching more films, having managed to see "The King's Speech", "The Social Network" & "Black Swan in the cinema this year & also catching up on some older titles on DVD... I even watch "Castle" staring Nathan Fillion & Stana Katic most weeks, & also love "True Blood" of which season 3 is currently screening in the UK at present! I am currently reading 2 boks right now - "Death's Daughter" by Amber Benson, & "The Time Travellers Guide to Medieval England". Two very different books, & I am really enjoying both of them!

So, I shall be moving on at Easter, perhaps watching less of my favourite shows (depending on whether I manage to have Sky TV at my next home or not), continue to watch films & theatre, perhaps keep up with my blog a little better, hear the voices of my loved ones & possibly even meet someone special! Who knows what else 2011 will hold for me!

I have long since intended to write this blog...

I have long since intended to write this blog – but it has been difficult to work out what I wanted to say. The other day, however, my friends and I were posting messages about medication and mental health issues at a wonderful forum I joined at firfelyfans.net and this is, in part, what I described the use of medication to treat my depression: I suffer from depression, which started after a serious illness at the age of 29, and in retrospect I had signs that I was vulnerable to this disease prior to that. I am creative and when I finally had a minor break down, after a year of poor health and ever increasing depression, I welcomed the opportunity to try medication - I have never looked back. As my friend ‘Sir Francis’ said so eloquently “I have not lost any creativity. I still write, design theatre sets, and act. And my personality is more truly my own. When I was untreated for the …(disorder), there were times when I was a spectator in my own head. Not in control of what I was saying or doing. With the medications, I am more truly myself. So if that is a change in personality, I welcome it.”

I am lucky, myself, in that I had few, or no, side effects when I was first on the meds I was put on, and lucky too that the first medication I tried seems to be the one that works well for me - I know people with various forms of depression/anxiety disorders who have tried numerous and multiple drugs before finding one/a combination that works for them. I had a few minor side-effects at first... funnily enough loss of libido was initially one, but that diminished over time and wasn't an issue since I was too ill and 'disconnected' to think about being in a relationship at that time... I have described the worst period of depression as if I was working hard to do a ‘passable impersonation of myself’... trying so hard to look for my ‘cues’, react as I felt was expected of me, and laugh as if I actually enjoyed things! During the weeks of initial recovery I was surprised to reconnect with aspects of my personality that I had forgotten existed prior to my initial illness and subsequent spiral into depression. I still think I look 'blank' in photos of me during this period - whether I was 'smiling' or not... I am still creative, more clear headed, have a better memory (yes, depression affects your memory a lot!) and also, in case you were wondering, I have regained a healthy libido! (though I choose to be celibate at present) I would not return to the bad old days for anything. I recently mentioned to a friend that it was a little like having asthma - if you are asthmatic you monitor your condition, take preventative medication and look after yourself accordingly. With depression it is a lot like that - I exercise my mind to be positive in relation to myself and talk things over when I feel 'stuck' or 'trapped' in a situation... I have lots of good friends in real life as well as on the internet, and I adjust my medication, with doctors knowledge, if/when it becomes necessary. Just as if you had a chronic lung condition you have to be prepared for the 'not-so-well-times' as well as the good ones!

In response to some of my friends who wondered if I had tried alternative therapies to the medical one which worked so well for me, I did gain some relief from St. John's Wort, as is a friend of mine at present, but ultimately it was not enough... also I did, and still do, seek counselling when I need to in addition to having close friends to talk with... I did not take the medication alone - I was thoroughly diagnosed by my wonderful doctor who continues to support me and give me sound advice - both emotional and medical at times, as well as valuable counselling when I really need it. I also have a friend who has been taking St John's Wort and is finding it is not as effective as it previously was, and, despite also having regular counselling she's nearing a stage where she is considering medication. My advice to her is to listen to her doctors' advice, ask lots of questions, raise her concerns and if she feels she is not being taken seriously then find another doctor - I have an awesome one and I am very grateful for that! It sometimes folk that I do suffer from depression, because I hide it really well and generally have a very positive attitude to life... but this is not about attitude alone and that is important to understand. It is sometimes scary opening my mouth and telling people that I suffer from this illness, and the responses are varied, but rarely the judgemental ones I fear! Mostly it's almost relief that they can speak openly themselves about their own/sisters’/husbands’/sons’/daughters’/parents’/friends’…etc. struggles with depression with someone who is open and understanding of the situation... that is when I realise there is a very positive aspect to being able to draw on my own experiences - even though I would not wish them on my worst enemy

I have meant to do this for a long time and this has been a really good opportunity to talk about something that is dear to my heart as I feel 'demystifying' mental illness of any sort is really important in our society!

Also I must say that I have been richly blessed as a result of having had depression. I have made deep connections with others suffering with similar illnesses... and have been privileged to be there for those coming to terms with it too... I couldn’t be there for others with the same degree of understanding if I hadn’t ‘been there’ myself.

Finally I have to say a huge thank you to all those friends with whom I have discussed depression whether in person or on line… I have found some of my most treasured and profound relationships have been those where the honesty and sharing of this sort of information has been taken so well. You are all so dear to me and will always be. I love to be there for my friends – it is one of the greatest privileges in my life, and one of the ways in which I feel most fulfilled… as I often say to those close to me – “sometimes I really need to be needed”.

Thank you Whimsy, Taliena, LittleAlbatross29, Sir Francis, Tristan, Rhax, Kimando and Phoenix Rose for giving me a push in the right direction... and to all my friends for your awesome support! - I love you guys!! x x x x x x x